Hogwarts: Home of the Free Land of the Strange
by THE WEEEERD 1s
Summary: What happens when three hogwarts students decide to take revenge on their evil teachers. Inolves btvs crossover themes. The Choice shall be random. Enjoy and R&R *CHAPTER 4 UP!!!!*
1. Jo's Default Chapter

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Harry Potter or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but we do own out own teachers and definitely ourselves and friends.  
  
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Hogwarts: the Land of the Free and the Home of the Strange  
  
"..that absolute bastard, that fuck up, that MUGGLE" continued Katie to Megan outside of the potions classroom looking at the mass amounts of red marks on her most recent test. " I can't believe I got a friggin' C on this test because I spelled some shitty word wrong!!" Buffy walked by waving her completely clean exam in the air.  
  
"What'd you get," Megan called out, "Katie got a C and I got B-, what a cockhead that Professor Morse is."  
  
" I got an A, I didn't fill any of the answers in." Buffy said.  
  
Katie rolled her eyes. "Hey everyone, Guess who gave Morse a blowjob last night?"  
  
"Buffy?" Jo called out reading her marked up exam. " Professor. Morse hates me!!!! Remember when he threatened to throw me of the Astronomy tower?"  
  
"That was classic" Katie commented  
  
" He always needs help from Professor Pringle to get the right ingredients." Joked Megan. Jo wasn't listening. She was too busy starting at Harry "bending over to tie his shoe" though he was actually trying to look up Jo's skirt .  
  
"Hey Jo." he said quietly as he got up "What'd you get?"  
  
"Bbrruuhghh" said Jo, completely infatuated with the man.  
  
"Really? Me too. Well see you later" He walked off with his cronies Hermione and Ron.  
  
" Katie, Meg, lets meet Lissie and get to History of magic."  
  
Lissie walked up behind them. "Already here" she said, "Oh, you know that girl we swore to hate for the rest of our lives? Buffy. She's actually really nice and knows fashion and stuff like that." Katie slapped Lissie.  
  
"Thanks, Needed that. She's a demon bitch" Katie gives Lissie a doggie treat and Lissie smiled.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In history of magic with Professor Schuur.  
  
"I like running with my wand pointed out." Jo stated.  
  
Harry nodded. "Me too."  
  
Gabi raised her hand. "Isn't 'me too' a communist country in the Middle East?"  
  
Professor Schuur banged her head against the desk and mumbled to self repeatedly. "Stupid worthless students, stupid worthless students."  
  
"Maybe we should just all move to Iceland. I love Iceland."  
  
"Good idea Katie!" Professor Schuur exclaimed.  
  
"I like Iceland too." Said Harry.  
  
"I don't." Jo informed him.  
  
"Neither do I." Said Harry.  
  
"Icelandsoundscold.Doyouthinkit'scold? Ithinkitscold.'Causethetemperturegoesbeepbeepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepbeepb eepbeedilybeep. Inseadofbeepbeedilybeepbeeeeeeeeeeeeepbeepbeep.Yougetit?" Megan said in one breath.  
  
Pro. Schuur looked at Katie "Please translate."  
  
"She thinks Iceland would be a bad place to live because the temperature is inconstant and she is not comfortable with that. I am though." translated Katie.  
  
"I think that's cool," said Harry.  
  
"I don't" Said Jo.  
  
"Neither do I" said Harry.  
  
" Jo, Harry save the love for dinner, Megan::::::pause:::::talk::::::slower:::pause::::K?" Professor Schuur said.  
  
Megan shrugged and started poking Draco with her wand "ooh Skwisshhii"  
  
"Please refrain:" Buffy said  
  
"No, don't Meg, Buffy has a thing for Draco the sex beast." Lissie told Megan. Megan continued  
  
"Now, that we can continue." Professor Schuur continued. "The main goblins in the rebellion were communists followers of Mow."  
  
"I'm a faithful follower of Mow!!!" screamed Ron. Jumping up. "I even carry the purple purse with me everywhere!!!! Purple communism for all!!!" He was running around in a purple dress with a purple purse passing out pamphlets.  
  
"Right then" said Lissie.  
  
"I'm a faithful follower of Stalin," said Jo  
  
"Um... Me too." said Harry  
  
"I'm wanna marry him" Jo responded  
  
"Me too" Harry said "Great threesome" He murmured under his breath.  
  
Dinner  
  
Megan and Katie sat at the dinner table, drooling at the sight of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.  
  
"Look at those beautiful abs." Megan murmured.  
  
"Yeah." Katie agreed. "But why is he walking around without a shirt on?"  
  
"Dunno. Don't really care though."  
  
Jo was spoon-feeding Harry.  
  
"You want some more applesauce?" She asked.  
  
"Oh, yes." Harry breathed.  
  
Professor Morse was staring at them from across the table, trying to burn holes in Jo, who was feeding the love of his life(which should be over). He fell to the ground in a spastic attack from all the effort he was putting into burning Jo. Jo glanced at the man rolling around on the floor, shrugged, and returned to feeding Harry.  
  
"More applesauce?"  
  
"Oh, yes."  
  
"NO!!!" Ron yelled, intercepting the spoon. "Applesauce is against the communist way of life!!"  
  
"It is?" Harry asked.  
  
"I didn't know that." Said Jo.  
  
"Me neither." Agreed Harry.  
  
Ron shook his head sadly. "You poor, poor, children. Here, take a pamphlet."  
  
Ron ran around the table handing out pamphlets to everyone, dropping one on the unconscious Professor Morse.  
  
"Why do I want a bloody pamphlet?" The defense against the dark arts teacher, Spike, asked.  
  
"It will tell you all about the teachings of Mow!" Ron explained enthusiastically.  
  
"It's purple." Spike said in disgust.  
  
"Purple is the color of the great Mow!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"Mow's a poofter."  
  
Ron almost fell over in shock.  
  
Professor Morse waded over across the dining hall to the table that Harry and Jo were sitting at and muttered "Jo, you, me a dual, midnight in the prefects toilet, Harry, you, me the three broomsticks tomorrow night, k?¿?"  
  
" Can Jo come?" Harry asked innocently.  
  
"If she is alive to come" Morse responded  
  
" Can we talk about me some more, like I'm not here?" Jo sarcastically uttered.  
  
" I'm sorry pookie" Harry apologized  
  
" Don't CALL ME POOKIE!!!!" Jo yelled and her retractable claws came out, that she sweetly smiled.  
  
Harry started to cry, and Jo hugged him in comfort, and they skipped out of the room.  
  
Megan, Katie, and Lissie had their faces in their potatoes from how hot and sexy Spike is.  
  
"I'm allergic to potatoes!!!!!!!!!!" Lissie screamed in remembrance.  
  
She ran around the room screaming.  
  
"No Lissie, that's nuts. Your are allergic to nuts." Katie clarified.  
  
"Right." Lissie said. "I knew that."  
  
"I LOVE YANNI!!!!" The president of the Wizard's for Punk (and New Age) Club, Ibby, screamed. Another random girl named Emily started pelting rocks at Draco. "Get a haircut, you fool!" She commanded.  
  
"Don't hurt Draco the sex beast!" Buffy cried.  
  
Everyone stared at her.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Said Megan.  
  
" Lets go find Jo and Harry while stalking the next DADA teacher." Katie said  
  
"Aye! Let's go stalk the Sex God." Said Lissie, though the drool coming out of her open mouth.  
  
"Onward, Club of Hot Guys!" shouted Megan and off they went.  
  
To be continued...  
  
AN: Jo: All flames will be used to toast marshmallows, but NE way Review(I'm a panda) Meg: I am the ruler of the universe!!!!!!!!!!! Muahahahahaha. Review please. : D Katie: yeah Right, You can sit in a nutshell and count yourself king of infinite space. teehee. Look at the pretty globe, your eyes are getting sleepy, you move the mouse to the left hand corner and click on the little review button. That's a good person, and leave a nice review. Thanks! 


	2. Jo's dual

When we last saw our heroes they were either preparing for a dual or drooling/ stalking hot guys.. But now the yare in the prefects toilet.  
  
"It is time for our dual to the death!" Said Professor Morse dragging out the word DEATH!.  
  
"Let it begin" Jo replied "I'm ready.  
  
"Me too" said Harry  
  
"Stay there sweetie." Jo assured "Your not going to be hurt"  
  
" Can we begin" Morse said.  
  
" WAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIT," Megan cried "The popcorn is not done yet" ::::::::::::::::::BING::::::::::::::::::  
  
"Now it is" Lissie chirped " Potatoes?"  
  
"Step in the tub and take off your clothes Harry, than we can start our dual" Morse called.  
  
"Umm..why?" Harry said  
  
" Because I SAID SOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Morse boomed.  
  
"Jo take these." Harry said.  
  
Harry removed his : Robe And his jacket And his sweater And his shirt And his vest And his under shirt And Jo's bra("How did that get there?" Jo asked") And his belt And his Pants And his boxers And his leggings And his tights And Jo's bikini bottom("How did that get there?" Jo asked again) And his tighty whities And his gloves And his scarf And his hat And his socks And his shoes Once he was standing stark naked in the middle of the room Katie said.  
  
"Well that's something you don't see every day.."  
  
"Speak for yourself" Jo whispered  
  
"Let us begin :::: IGNUS::::" Morse said and flames shot out of his wand and engulfed Jo.  
  
"What you don't know is that fire is my friend" Jo said and whispered a little something to the fire and it was distinguished. "You have forced me to kill the flame, for that you must pay"  
  
"::::::::::: CLARORUM:::::::::::" Jo spelled and a glowing yellow light shot out of her want. Professor Morse's member started to glow through his slacks.  
  
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" everyone in the room called and poked Morse's eyes out.  
  
"Oops my fault .. .spell gone wrong" Jo said.  
  
"I'm BLIND" Morse shouted and than " ::::::::::::::::::PROCELLA:::::::::::::::::::::"  
  
A thunder cloud whipped out of his wand and floated over Jo, lighting began pelting her and curiously the only thing that happened was her hair frizzed.  
  
"Me likie that word" Jo experimented " procellla procellla procellla procellla procellla procellla procellla procellla procellla"  
  
"Me likie too" Harry said while washing his.um self?  
  
So many thunder clouds went over Professor Morse that he combusted..for the third time this week.  
  
The room clapped. Spike walked in "What in HELL are you load of poofter's doing, I want to use the loo!"  
  
"My love killed Professor Morse, didn't she?" Harry said, winking seductively at Jo.  
  
"Continue, Morse was a bloody poofter" Spike assured them.  
  
"I heard that" said the dead Professor Morse. `*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`* `*`*` The next morning the day started out with potions, with Professor Morse.  
  
" WHY WON'T HE DIE, or stay blind?" Jo asked Megan with power. "Dunno, but this is the gunna be funny how he treats you today, by tomorrow the bad memory should kick in and he'll go back to hating you the normal amount." Answered Megan who was looking through Lissie's note book. The notebook was full of I LOVE SPIKE's and crossed off I LOVE CLARKs.  
  
"Class get with your lab partners, except Harry darling you and Jo will be separated and so will Longbottem and Buffy my sweet, and Jo you will be paired with Neville and Harry will be with Buffy. My two favorite students will be together and my two least favorite students will be together, but I won't mention names".  
  
" I wonder which is which, captain obvious" Ibby whispered to her lab partner.  
  
"Go on with the Foliago ointment, than test in on the animal at your station to see if the fur, feathers, or scales are changed into grass. GO!" The idiot teacher ordered.  
  
"Come on Neville" Jo said as they walked to their cauldron, she took a colorful bird out of the cage, than Katie squawked at it, the bird squawked back, Katie laughed, the frightened Jo returned the bird to it's cage and started reading the ingredients and began the potion.  
  
About ten minutes later Neville had a question for Jo:  
  
" Jo, I know your going out with Harry but maybe we could go out some time?" Neville asked while throwing in the last ingredient. Harry heard started growling and pushed Neville to the ground and started punching him.  
  
"Err.. no I LOVE Harry, I'd never think of being unfaithful!" Jo answered  
  
" Me too" Harry said and stopped punching Neville than he and Jo started randomly making out.  
  
" Megan will you go out with me" Neville asked while wiping his nose. Megan looked confused than knelt down and kissed Neville on the forehead.  
  
"Okee Dokee" She replied.  
  
"Neville: get up, time to test the potion on Katie's friend the colorful bird" Jo smirked.  
  
The pair poured the ointment of the bird and immediately the birds green and blue feathers turned to grass. Neville and Jo cheered. Than while Morse was trying to stare at Harry who was washing Jo's lip gloss off his face, Jo and Neville took the ointment and poured it in Morse's wide open mouth, he suffocated and laid dead on the floor.  
  
The class cheered Harry ran up to Jo and they hugged, Megan ran up to Neville and they hugged, Katie ran out of the room found the Dada teacher and they hugged( Lissie too). " I heard that." The Dead Morse said.  
  
The class walked out of the class room pouring all of their remaining ointment on the professor and stepped on his head. Everyone except Buffy that is , she ripped off her shirt and started raping Morse.  
  
" I can feel that." The dead Morse said.  
  
"Friggin Necrophilia" Katie spurted out in disgust. 


	3. Jo wins

AN: Here's another insanity filled fun chapter. Last one starting JO: the maniac with the devoted sex slave and death wish for Professor Morse. Next we meet Megan: The really tall really strange person with a penchant for shouting out extremely random comments. *SOCKS*.  
  
````````````````````````````````````````` "Damn that bitch!! She resurrected him again!!!" screamed Jo to Harry  
  
"I agree" Harry agreed.  
  
They were watching as Buffy and her cronies resurrected Professor Morse in a very bizarre ritual.  
  
"Bring in the shaved goat!" Yelled Buffy.  
  
Jo looked on in horror. "That's just wrong."  
  
"I agree." Said Harry.  
  
"You can't resurrect people twice!"  
  
"Actually . . . . ." Katie started to say, but was cut off as JO threw her water goblet at Katie.  
  
"Shut up! It's my point, I get to make it."  
  
"That point was pointy." Lissie said.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Said Megan. "Lookie, Professor Spike hasn't found a shirt yet!"  
  
"Let's hide it!" Said Katie.  
  
"No, I already stole it." Lissie said, taking the black shirt out of her purse and stroking it possessively. "My preciousssssssssssss."  
  
Neville ran up to Megan, handing her a stack of invitations.  
  
"There's a party on the astronomy tower tonight, give these to everyone!"  
  
Megan threw the invitations up.  
  
"OW!!!" They heard a shout from Buffy. "My eye! There's paper sticking out of my eye!"  
  
Her cronies tried to comfort her, but it was to no avail.  
  
"Cool." Megan said.  
  
Megan, Katie, Lissie, Ibby, Emily, Grace, Laura, Raleigh, Claire, Kat, and the rest of the Griffendor girls ran up to their dorms to find something to wear. Jo took Harry with her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~  
  
Later that night, at the party.  
  
Dance to the music! Dance to the music!  
  
"No dancing!! Dancing is for the devil!" Dr. Morse shouted to no avail.  
  
"Speaking of the devil." Spike said, pouring whiskey into the punch. "He owes me 6 pounds."  
  
"No dancing!" Dr. Morse yelled again. "And Spike, for the love of God, put a shirt on."  
  
"Don't wanna." Spike said, pouring more whiskey into the punch, which was now 50% whiskey, though no one noticed.  
  
"If you don't put a shirt on, I'm going to take my shirt off!" Dr. Morse threatened.  
  
The entire room stopped and starred. A few horrified shrieks were heard, and thumps as a few people fell to the floor, fainting.  
  
Jo, Katie, and Megan started vomiting. Harry did too.  
  
"It must be the whiskey." Dr. Morse reasoned.  
  
"It must be the image." Harry muttered.  
  
Harry sat down. Jo sat down on Harry. "Bad mental images! Need to wash my mind!"  
  
"All right, all right, I'll put on my bleeding' shirt. Where is it?"  
  
"I don't knowwwwwwwwwww." Said Lissie, who was wearing the shirt.  
  
"Do you hear a high-frequency beeping?" Megan asked.  
  
"High-frequency beeping!" Dr. Morse said and had an orgasm.  
  
"Once again, that's just wrong." Jo said, pushing Dr. Morse out the window of the astronomy tower. He bounced all the way to the middle of a land war in Asia, and finally he died, never to be resurrected again. Well, we hope.  
  
Next we follow the fascinating tale of Megan as she kills the teachers of choice and religeously stalks the DADA professor  
  
**~~~**~~~** Jo: Review .NOW ..If you are still reading this you are not listening to me.no flames please I will use them against you, for fire is my friend.  
  
Katie: Yes you shall review!!!!! Please for the love of*insert hot guy here* please review. I second Jo; all flames shall be given to my pet dragon, Hokey.  
  
Megan: It's me next, so of course you want to review so that we write faster!! All flames will be put to better use then lava lamps. 


	4. Megan's default chapter

Megan's default chapter.  
  
* On quidditch field *  
  
"Where's Professor Tim?" Megan asked.  
  
"I don't know. He better come soon." Jo said. "He's really cool and scary and funny and-"  
  
"I hear he used to be part of the underwater wizard league." Katie told them, looking for him.  
  
Professor Collicut strutted onto the field.  
  
"Alright girls, get in your lines." He told them. "We're going to stretch now."  
  
"What happened to Professor Tim?" Megan cried, and had a nervous break down on the field.  
  
"I heard he was sick." Professor Collicut said, grinning evilly. "Mariana Jonesy of course, never gets sick."  
  
"Who's Mariana Jonsey?" The stupid first year in the fourth year class asked.  
  
"Mow would be proud!" Rom said as he painted his broomstick purple and ripped off his shirt, revealing a purple tattoo of Mow.  
  
"Put your shirt back on!" Professor Collicut ordered. "Actually, keep it off."  
  
"But who is Mariana Jonesy?" The REALLY stupid first year asked.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Everyone else yelled, but it was too late, Professor Collicut had begun a 3 hour monologue on the subject of Mariana, which all the 4th years had heard a million times.  
  
"Why is Tim sick so often?" Katie whispered to Jo.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Mr. Collicut walks by Tim's door every morning wearing nothing but his rugby shirt."  
  
"Bad bad bad images!" Katie said, pounding her head against the ground. Professor Collicut failed to notice, as he was practically having orgasms thinking about Mariana Jonesy.  
  
Megan was giving Neville a back massage, and Neville, who had never touched a female before, passed out.  
  
Ron was the only person who was not bored, as he was busy tattooing Mow on Collicut's leg when the Professor wasn't looking.  
  
Megan, realizing Neville had passed out, began looking for the nearest murder weapon to use against Professor Collicut. The nearest inanimate object just happened to be Neville.  
  
"Neville, do you mind if I use you to kill Professor Collicut?"  
  
Neville made an indistinguishable sound, which Megan took for a yes. Megan grabbed Neville by the legs and throw him with all her force at Collicut. Unfortunately, Megan was not very strong so all she succeeded in doing was tossing Neville about three feet forward.  
  
"Bad Mental Images!!! Bad Mental Images!!!" Katie was still banging her head against the ground. Oblivious to all  
  
"Mariana won the gold in the . . ." Collicut was still ranting about Mariana. Oblivious to All.  
  
Jo stood on Harry's shoulders, lighting the quittich hoops on fire, oblivious to all.  
  
"Jo?" Megan asked. "Will you come with me to get my catapult?"  
  
"Okay." Jo replied, and Megan and Joanna skipped off into the forest. Well, technically Megan and Harry skipped off, as Joanna was still seated on Harry's shoulders.  
  
Lissie was climbing the tower where Professor Spike's room was, trying to catch a glimpse of him. Oblivious to all.  
  
Megan wheeled her hidden catapult out of the Forbidden Forest.  
  
The really stupid first year in the fourth year class was avidly listening to Professor Collicut's stories about Mariana Jonsey. Oblivious to all.  
  
"Joanna, do you have any weapons?" Megan asked, once she had set up the catapult.  
  
"I have a flame thrower in my pants." Jo said.  
  
"You're not wearing any pants." Harry reminded her with a smirk.  
  
"That's right!" Jo said. "But that means . . . I don't have a flame thrower!" She fell off Harry's shoulders in shock. She frantically checked both her skirt and blazer pockets, searching for her flamethrower.  
  
"Jo!" Megan cried. "Your shoe's on fire!"  
  
"That's where it is!" Jo said with delight, puling the flamethrower out of her shoe.  
  
"Hmm . . . " Megan said. "What else do you have?"  
  
Jo pulled out a pistol, 7 machetes, 4 grenades, 3 shiny, bright axes, 8 assassins knives, 2 be be guns, a Swiss army knife, a mace with poisonous nails, and one freakin' shark with a freakin' laser beam attached to it's freakin' head. "Hey!" Jo cried. "Who stole my sharp and pointy pencil of doom?"  
  
*Flash to Professor Spike throwing a sharp and pointy pencil of doom at the approaching Lissie who was climbing through his window. Oblivious to all. *  
  
"And finally . . . " Jo pulled a rubber ducky out of her shoe.  
  
"Jo!" Megan cried. "Don't get caught with that, you could get in trouble!"  
  
Megan surveyed the wide array of weapons and sharp pointy objects surrounding her, and tried to make a decision.  
  
Finally, she grabbed the still unconscious Neville and put him in the catapult, sending him flying across the quittich field towards Professor Collicut.  
  
Neville hit the Professor, knocking him to the ground.  
  
"You're trying to steal my boyfriend!" Buffy cried, knocking Neville off Professor Collicut. "You cheated on me, you bastard!" Buffy yelled at Professor Collicut, and staked him.  
  
Katie regains consciousness after banging head on floor. "Professor Collicut and Buffy? That is SO not right!" Katie began banging her head repeatedly against edge of castle.  
  
"DIE!!!!!!!!!" Yelled Megan, running at Buffy while wielding the rubber ducky of death and destruction.  
  
"Not a rubber Ducky!!!!" Buffy screamed in horrors and started sucking her thumb in fetal position.  
  
"YES!" Everyone cried, "A RUBBER DUCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~~~***~~~***~~~ ~~~***~~~***~~~ ~~~***~~~***~~~ ~~~***~~~***~~~ 


End file.
